I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.