I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
Craig FergusonThat's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig FergusonThere is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Craig FergusonIt's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
Craig Ferguson