Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.