Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.