Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she's great with animals. And the president's still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.