Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!