Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

I felt that, as time went on, an audience gets to know you and in a weird way, you kind of feel like you get to know the audience a little bit. When I'm doing stand-up gigs now, I feel like I'm doing gigs in front of people I know. I think that's the result of doing late-night shows for so long.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.