When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Sometimes, in order to follow one's heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I'm not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.