In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.