I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.