Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

I'm careful with money.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.