Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.