Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.

Whoever I had become had to die.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.