That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.