That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.