That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.