Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.