Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.