It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.