It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.