It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.