Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.