I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?