Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.