Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Fat is where comedy is stored.