My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.