The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time.

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.