Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.