I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.