I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.