Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.