People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?