People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.