People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Great, as long as you're happy

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.