I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"