I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.