Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.