Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.