Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."