Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.