Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.