At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.