At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.