Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.