If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.