I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.

Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.

Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.

President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.

I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.