Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'

As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.

While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.

I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.

Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold's movies.

I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.