The Pain-Free Shopping Method: Buy a present for you, then a present for a friend. Then another present for you. Then a present for a friend. Then two presents for you. Then a present for a friend. Then go home, get into bed, and pull up the covers.

In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

Possessions, for the terminally frightened, bring peace of mind.

we know that our world is corrupt and diseased but we're tired of being cynical and feeling helpless. What the hell, tilt at a windmill.

When women are excited about a date, they go immediately on a diet, because all women know they are hideously obese.

A person who uses party as a verb is a person who will walk into a shop and walk out wearing a rubber jumpsuit.