Always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long enough, some of it may rub off on you.

He [Will Rogers] was America's most complete human document. One-third humor. One-third humanitarian. One-third heart.

I once knew a chap who had a system of just hanging the baby on the clothes line to dry and he was greatly admired by his fellow citizens for having discovered a wonderful innovation on changing a diaper.

A free-loader is a confirmed guest. He is the man who is always willing to come to dinner.

If I have all the tears that are shed on Broadway by guys in love, I will have enough salt water to start an opposition ocean to the Atlantic and Pacific, with enough left over to run the Great Salt Lake out of business. But I wish to say I never shed any of these tears personally, because I am never in love, and furthermore, barring a bad break, I never expect to be in love, for the way I look at it love is strictly the old phedinkus, and I tell the little guy as much.

he hardest obstacle for me has been to find a father. I am the product of three fathers, and my connection to each of them has left me wanting. Each have their own strengths and weaknesses, but I've always been in competition with them in some way.

I came to the conclusion long ago that all life is six to five against.