We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!