We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.