I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'