You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.