You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.