Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.