Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I won't take no for a question.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!