Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.