In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.