Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.