Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.