When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.