What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.