Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.