Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

I get so into the moment.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.