Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.