I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.