I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.