I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.