If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.