If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I would love to have acidy spit.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.