A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I would love to have acidy spit.