Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.